It's Not My Birthday, but I'll Cry if I Want To
Your tears are as meaningful as your smiles
During the first Sunday writing session with my
community after reeling from the vibes and high of seeing the Week 3 Sunday Service Announcement that I was a guest writer for take over my Substack feed and inbox, the sight of numerous beautiful brown faces during introductions was icing on this literary cake. That was enough reason to join, but another aspect that truly captivated me was the spiritual element infused into the gathering by .1Among the writers present was
, a healer whose presence I found incredibly calming. I am drawn to healing energies, recognizing that I possess a similar gift, although I have yet to understand how it manifests fully. Encountering someone like Yanique, who is aware of her spiritual gifts and purposefully shares them, is always special to me.In the session, Yanique led us through deep breathing exercises, a practice that resonated with me as a yogi and filled my heart with joy. A turning point came when she poured a glass of pure water and urged us to speak the names of our ancestors aloud as she watered a plant, honoring their legacy and the sacrifices they made. This simple act held profound significance, acknowledging the struggles faced by those who paved the way for us to express ourselves as black/brown writers today freely.
The experience was overwhelming; I couldn't contain my emotions. Tears welled up, and I allowed myself to cry openly, unashamedly letting my emotions flow without inhibition or apology. Growing up, I was taught to suppress tears, “Don’t cry or Stop crying or Why are you crying?” Hearing that response to my tears, made me learn early on to suppress them. It is a bad thing, so I should find a way to not let those tears fall. I took that with me into my adulthood.
In the past, I felt shame when tears flowed from my face like it was a sign of weakness, but in this writing session, no negative thoughts bubbled when the tears streamed down my face. It was simply one of my ways of showing up as myself in that given moment. That was so relieving and so healing for me. It reminded me of how far I have come in showing up as authentically me.
It took me a long time to understand that tears are a natural release of intense feelings. Embracing this vulnerability, I realized the beauty and power of tears as a conduit for emotional release. Below, I share a piece from Yanique’s publication The Hearth, because it aligns with this piece in the sense that when adults think of crying, they think of babies and this quote seems fitting since this learned behavior of associating my tears with weakness and repression is just one of the ways I was constricting myself as an adult.
As a woman in her 30s, I have found solace in understanding that my tears are as meaningful as the smiles I often receive compliments on. I am The Original Baddie, unapologetic in my emotions, unafraid to shed tears when needed.
(Shoutout to A Dope Black Girl With Anxiety helping behind the scenes with ).
I’m so full of tears in my thirties. Lordt
Absolutely magnificent Badiana. My heart is warmed that the practice brought up so much for you. Tears are especially healing as they allow a raw physical release. I’ve heard crying sessions referred to as soul washings and that always resonated with me. I’m so honored to be in community with you💕🌺